were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
