All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
