and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
