my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
