just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
