I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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