Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
