The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
