I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize