the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
