Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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