he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I am midnight drunk by noon
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
