i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
