Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
