Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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