god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
