apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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