Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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