Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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