How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
wanna go halves on a baby?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
