Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
