He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
