Do you still have your period?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
