You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
