I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
