Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
