you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
