Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
