The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
