i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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