3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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