I need to stop coming to work sober
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
