so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
