She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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