is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
