Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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