How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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