did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just invented taco cereal.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
