Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Come see our sink grown plant.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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