Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
