When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
