I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Randomize
