I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
