She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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