i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
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