Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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