Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
