i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
