Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
