Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize