i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
bring money and cleavage
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
