we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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