3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Please, let me fuck your mom
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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