So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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