In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
