you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
