oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
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