I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
