Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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