Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He passed out mid-signature
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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