i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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